One of the most common questions I get at events is, “Why did you set up this community? What inspired you?
So, I thought it’s about time I share my story – the personal (and painful) journey that led me to start this community.
Growing Up: The Quest for Belonging
Growing up, while I had a few close friends, got on well with many of my peers, and was heavily involved in several sports teams at school, there was always something missing.
I couldn’t quite put my finger on it at the time, but looking back, I often felt like an outsider.
As a result, even though I was constantly surrounded by others growing up, I would often feel lonely and disconnected.
What I didn’t realise at the time – like everyone, I was searching all along for “my people,” a tight-knit friendship group or community that I could truly call my own and a sense of belonging that comes with it.
For one reason or another, while I was always on the edge of many different social groups, I never quite felt fully a part of one.
The Beginning: “I’ve Made My Friends”
That all changed when I joined university in 2011.
As well as having the opportunity to study a subject I was passionate about, I had more social opportunities than I could possibly ask for.
Through the course, university accommodation, and various societies, I was able to find like-minded friends who shared my passions and interests and whom I could see regularly.
We would eat, work, and play together, and as time passed, we grew closer, forming a strong friendship group. We came together to support each other through the shared challenges of our respective courses and tried our best to make the most out of our university years.
In 2014, we left university resolved that we would be friends for life. At the time, I truly believed that this was it. I had made my friends. Done. Check.
However, as we all graduated and moved on to the next chapters in our lives, I began to notice how difficult it was to maintain these connections.
Some of our group moved to different cities or even countries, making seeing each other regularly in the same way a lot harder.
And now we were all busy with work, our respective relationships, and other responsibilities, which made it challenging to find the time for each other. Some of the group began to drift away and find new friendship groups.
As for those who stayed – we were still close and enjoyed holidays together, saw each other as much as we physically could, but we were increasingly becoming disconnected from one another.
March 2020: A Turning Point
This was exacerbated further by the arrival of the COVID-19 pandemic in March 2020.
Like everyone else, I had to adapt to a new way of living, with social distancing and lockdown measures becoming the new norm.
During this time, my long-term relationship of four and a half years began to crumble.
As she had become a central member of our friendship group at the time, we had to navigate the complexities of our breakup, and despite resolving not to let it happen, our friendship circle inevitably became divided.
I found myself grappling with the challenges of losing a romantic partner and having to cope with the emotional distress of a rapidly changing world, all the while feeling increasingly isolated and disconnected from my support network.
Searching for Connection in all the Wrong Places
To exacerbate this experience of loneliness, my work was now fully remote, and so the opportunities for even just having a simple social outlet were further limited.
I felt at the time, I most needed the doors to be open for connection; the world closed its doors, causing an extreme toll on my mental health and leaving me in a far lonelier place than I’d ever been before.
When lockdown finally eased, I started trying to fill the connection void I was feeling in what I’ve seen realise was entirely the wrong place, namely dating apps.
As whilst dating apps scratched a basic itch for communicating with others, they actually fed those feelings of disconnection.
By encouraging us to swipe through faces and make quick, often surface-level judgments, dating apps can unintentionally foster a disposability mindset – one where people feel more like fleeting, replaceable options rather than individuals with emotions, experiences, and stories of their own.
However, perhaps more crucially, what I failed to recognise was that I was looking for one person to satisfy a deeper need for connection – something that would be a tall ask for one person and which would inevitably be an unhealthy position from which to enter into a romantic relationship.
Instead, what I eventually realised what I needed was not romance, but to build more meaningful connections, new friendships and to re-grow my fragmented support network and social circle.
The challenge: “How do you make friends as an adult?”
Having given up dating apps, I was left with a question that is now one of the most Googled queries in the world today – “How do you make friends as an adult”?
In an enormous city with so many people, you’d think that would be easy.
But one of the key ingredients to building connection – seeing the same people regularly. And sadly, the challenging part of the city being so big and having such a wide choice of things to do and people to spend your time with, the chances of seeing the same people can be greatly reduced.
People don’t often hang out or visit the same pub in the way they might do in small towns. London is also not always the most friendly place to live, and so you’re unlikely to meet your new best friends on the Central Line or at Sainsbury’s.
And so, determined to find meaningful connections, I followed common advice online and started attending a variety of events and joining a few social clubs and communities to meet new people.
I tried everything from friendship apps, to deep conversation events, to singles life drawing, to running clubs, to summer camps.
While I met many wonderful people through these activities, again – I often felt a sense of disconnection.
Many of the connections I made at these events and clubs were superficial and short-lived, with promises to stay in touch rarely coming to fruition or quickly fizzling out when the initial excitement died out.
At quite a few events I went to, I found myself surrounded by people who were much older than me, making it difficult to form deep connections or find common ground.
At some clubs and communities, I made some amazing connections hoping to meet again at the next event, only to find they were to never return or the events were so irregular, meaning that any chance of building on the connections made had passed by the next event.
Taking Matters into My Own Hands: Creating a Like-Minded Community
After months of disappointing experiences and discussing with others who shared my frustrations about making friends in London, I decided to take matters into my own hands.
By that stage, I knew the community I was looking for – one in which you could:
– Meet like-minded, age appropriate young adults who you could realistically see yourself becoming friends with, who also wanted to make new friendships and to explore the very best of what London has to offer.
– Connect with people keen to do a range of social activities, rather than just one hobby or interest (as we don’t all want to talk for hours about running!).
– See the same people regularly, so that connections could build organically and not have to trade numbers, when you haven’t properly yet gotten to know them.
– Build connections without devastating your bank account, as amidst the cost of living crisis – connection and belonging shouldn’t have to be one of the things we should have to forgo.
And so, rather than waiting for the perfect opportunity to come along, I resolved to create it myself.
So in November 2021, I decided to start the project to help young people connect, build friendships, whilst experiencing the very best London has to offer.
As our first activity, I organised a small and free social walk around Hampstead Heath and as part of this, 12 people joined us, and along the way, we played some little games I’d prepared and ended up at the pub and it was amazing.
Over the 2-hour walk, we laughed, we chatted, and all left feeling closer to each other, with most excited about the next one and picking up our conversations.
I recall thinking to myself, I’d be very happy if that was it and that the 12 of us or some of those 12 would form a regular small walking group that would (in time) lead us to eventually becoming close friends.
But what happened next caught me by surprise.
Rather than staying at 12, the numbers attending started growing rapidly in the following weeks and months to come. What was 12 became 20, 30, 40, 50, growing in size after every walk that passed.
To my delight, many of those who came stayed and even started bringing housemates and friends with them.
Enthused by others’ enthusiasm and desire for more experiences and closer connection, I decided to start running the events more regularly and hosting events other than just walks.
I was amazed to have people offering to help host or co-host events so that this could happen and to help grow the events further, excited by what the events were trying to do.
Best of all, since we were now all seeing the same faces so regularly, we got to know each other better, and soon acquaintances became friends.
As the project grew and the connections I formed became deeper, I gradually realised that I had not just found what I was looking for when I was looking for ways to meet people in London but something far greater.
I had found not just a friendship group, but the most amazing, supportive community and with it, a deep sense of belonging – the likes of which surpassed even what I felt at university.
There were times that I really struggled to maintain things, but in those I’d met I found a constant source of support, inspiration and joy that kept me going.
And witnessing the magic of the connections that were being created inspired me to continue nurturing and growing the community, so others too could meet their people and develop the amazing friendships like I had.
Witnessing the Impact of Community and Connection
It has now been over 2 years since I started this community, and as of today, we are now a community of over 45,000 young adults, and our larger events now attract up-to 200 people.
Alongside this, we now campaign for social and policy change around loneliness, and we have big ambitions to transform how loneliness is seen and treated across the UK and beyond.
In the last 3 years or so, I’ve had the absolute pleasure of watching countless friendships form, connections deepen, and even watched romances blossom. I have been able to have some incredible experiences, whilst meeting some incredible people along the way.
I’ve been able to watch this project transform into a fledging non-profit and today with the help of some incredible partners, trustees and volunteers – we work hard to ensure that no young adult finds themselves in the dark hole, I found myself in during the pandemic.
What I’ve Learned about Friendship
Looking back, my journey has taught me that we should never underestimate the power of connection, belonging, and community and the impact it can have on our lives and our mental health.
It’s also shown me that we should never close ourselves off to new friendships or rely solely on romantic relationships for a sense of belonging.
Even if it’s scary and feels uncomfortable, we should continuously seek out and cultivate meaningful connections with others.
I am still of the belief that making friends as an adult is hard but if you are like I was back 3 years ago and struggling to find “your people,” then I have one word for you. Invest.
I say invest as there’s always time and effort you have to commit to nurturing and building meaningful friendships, but it is not just spending time – it’s devoting that time wisely towards creating a brighter future for yourself.
But investment isn’t just about time spent. It’s about how you show up. It means doing the following 4 things:
– Committing to the connections you make or people you gelled with and making the effort to actually get to know them (and not just what they do for a living!) and taking a proactive role in building those friendships. This means trying your best to regularly stay in touch, checking in on your new connections, being actively interested in their lives and most importantly, being willing to organise things!
– Showing up! I know after a long working day or week that social batteries can feel at a low, but push yourself to show up to events and commit to the social plans you make with your new connections.
– Being open to new friendships and new connections, even if you feel you’ve met people you feel comfortable with.
– Above all, being patient and persistent, as building meaningful connections and friendships takes time.
I’ll be honest with all of these 4 things – like any investment, there’s always an element of risk; a risk that the effort could ultimately count for nothing and a risk that the same investment won’t be reciprocated by others.
But with that risk, comes the opportunity of huge dividends in the form of great memories and amazing connections that could last a lifetime.
I know as much as anyone what it means to take that risk, having devoted the last 3 years or so to organising and hosting these activities and investing in the relationships I’ve built along the way.
I’ve lost countless nights of sleep and devoted a huge amounts of energy to researching and booking venues, creating icebreaker games, writing event descriptions, replying to queries, the list goes on…
I do all of this in the name of connection and community and even though it has really tried me at times, I can honestly say it was the best investment I have ever made.
